Pissed

I hate my life sometimes. I hate my boyfriend. I keep having dreams that I'm back with my first love. I thought I would marry him. I thought I would live happily ever fucking after with him. But no. I fucked that up. And now I have to live with someone who controls my every move. I can't do this. I can't do that. I am fucking TIRED of this shit. I can't know who he is texting or why. I feel like I am in prison for commiting a gruesome crime sometimes. But no. I'm at home with my man. I can't blow up and scream and yell, but he can blow up and hit and throw me around. I can't afford this place on my own, so he constantly throws that in my face and says he is leaving and I'll have to go back and live with mommy.

I'm sick of being controlled. I'm a grown ass woman. I may still act childish sometimes, but what the fuck do you expect from a sheltered ass twenty year old woman? I mean FUCK!! I'm not perfect and I have never claimed to be. But I NEVER asked to be treated like a fucking kid. Leave me if I'm not good enough. Don't stay and make my very existence a living nightmare. Almost seven months of  being miserable AND on anti-depressants. I can't be happy. The fucking drugs don't work when I'm in a situation where I'm constantly wrong.

I just asked him what he was texting our ex-roomate. He won't tell me.

The more I think about it, the more I get upset that I had to ruin everything with Chad. He was perfect in every way, shape, and form. I was just too young and stupid to realize and now for the rest of my life I have to live with "what if" and deal with all the consequences I faced after hating my body and watching it ruin. There is nothing sacred about my body anymore.I fucked that one  up. No good guy will ever want me. I am stuck with a man who likes controlling me. I hate that. I hate feeling alone when I am in a relationship. I have no friends anymore. He made me push all the good ones away........

I hate my life so much sometimes. I wish I never had to face all the fucked up decisions I did.

WHY CAN'T I GO BACK IN TIME AND FIX ALL THE SHIT I DID?? gdit........

I'm doing pretty good on the whole not talking to guys. Well, kinda slacking a little bit, but I think I'm officially not going to sleep with anyone unless I really really care about them. Sex is a very valuable thing that was given to me by God. He didn't want me to just throw around my body like that. I deserve better than that. I'm a grown woman. I know this because for the first time in a long time I looked in the mirror. Studied my curves. I'm not that chubby dumb little girl anymore. I have a body I admire. I have a butt! Not many white girls can say that. lol. And it isn't all flabby and gross like I was afraid it was. You know how long it's been since I looked in the mirror? At least a year and a half. You know how I used to be so promiscuous? I made sure I was covered by the sheets, so they couldn't see what I thought was not a pretty site. I can't believe I treated my body like that for so long. I deserve someone who respects me for my mind and my body. And if they don't respect both, then I wasn't meant to be with the fucker. :)

lol. Had to throw that in. But anyway, I'm really excited about going to this meeting tonight. I'm kinda scared, but I'm going to go in there and pick up my white key tag with grace. I'm excited about changing. Becoming what I once was except much, much worse wasn't a good thing for me. If there was any drug in front of me...even meth or heroine, i'd bet you I would have done it. Shit I did cocaine again after I hated it the first time. What's up with that? That isn't normal. If I didn't have a disease known as addiction, I would think I was the weakest of the weak, the epitomy of no willpower. But it isn't that. It's something that I can control. So here goes nothing!

Mwah

My Relapse

I just got out of rehab for the second time. I think I actually learned something this time since III am having to pay for it. Damnit!

I relapsed in the first place because there was just so much stress controlling my life and I felt rejected by some....person. No name shall go with that. I don't know why. I guess I'm just dumb sometimes. Plus the more I hung out with people who drank to get drunk, the more socially acceptable it sounded. But really...when I get drunk, I am far from socially acceptable. lol.

My bottom was when I did cocaine again and actually liked it that time. It scared me so bad. Especially when C and L got mad at me. I felt like a person lower than the lowest piece of dung on earth. The smelliest, grimiest, nastiest ever!

Gosh. I kinda miss the people in rehab. Kevin especially. All the guys there this time were extremely respectable and sincere. They didn't want to just get in your pants. They wanted to be your friend. They didn't want to fuck you. Most of them had girlfriends anyway.

Anyway, I keep wearing the ring Chad gave me. He won't even talk to me, but wearing the ring he gave me yeeeeeeears ago for some reason makes me feel better... Like at least someone loved me. I fucked it all up, but at least one person out of the many "boys" who wanted me for the not so honorable reasons actually cared about me. That gives me hope...that one day I will find another man like him. What's in between the legs isn't all that I am. I am a strong, smart, helpful, nice, and sincere woman. And I don't need a worthless boy or all the drugs in the world to make me change my viewpoint.

I think I'm going to try to remain single for a while. See how that works. I don't think C is the one anyway. He already has his one and only right in front of him. I can't take that away from her.

My Perfect Person

I've decided to write this. Simply so I know what to look for in people. Because I tend to not see anyone's flaws until they are madly in love with me, and slowly but surely I fall out of like. And I'd much rather know up front what I want instead of hurting people because I simply don't know...

Okay. So here goes shit.

1. I like clingy, but not pda. In public, I can hold hands, but I don't really like up my ass people.

2. I like someone who can hold a conversation even when I can't sometimes. If I make a stupid ass remark that makes no sense, I don't expect them to laugh at me. I expect them to just ignore it, so I don't feel ever more stupid. heh

3. I don't want someone to like me if I just changed so and so about me. I'm me. I do change, but not for anyone but myself.

4. I'm just a teeny tiny bit shallow. If I've ever liked you, I thought you were pretty in some form. I don't like hott guys or girls. Then I feel inferior. I like pretty (guys and girls).

5. I don't like brand names that are expensive. If you wear them, I probably won't like you. I believe they are a major WASTE of money and energy looking for only abercrombie jeans for a hundred dollars when you can go to a thrift store and for under ten bucks you can find something that fits just as good.

6. I've never liked guys who were muscley. I guess cuz I don't have them. But big muscles on a dude is a turn off. On a chick, it's hott....hah. I make little sense sometimes. lol

7. If you can dance and not act like an idiot on the dance floor, that's a major plus. :)  But it's fun watching beginners dance. So as long as you're cute about it and not crazy...heh. No me gusta loco.

8. Call me weird, but I like doing spontaneous things. If you can't handle a really random idea that sounds a little jacked up, then I'm sorry, but it ain't gonna work out. I'm tired of boring. I was boring up until I was 16. Sixteen years of boredom is enough.

9. I like bootys. No touching my booty, and I'd never violate a bootyhole. But bootys are sessy.

10. I used to hate kids and only date atheists who hated kiddos. Now that I've grown to love baby Connor, I don't want a kid right now, but I like them. If you think Michael Jackson and Britney Spears are good parents, fuuuck that.

11. I like responsible people. I can be irresponsible at times, but 2 irresponsible people don't equal responsible... I try to do the next right indicated thing, but it is difficult at times. I need someone to not encourage me to do bad things. lol.

12. Drugs and alcohol are huge issues to me. If you drink everytime you're around me, that's a big, big nono. Give me a little respect and get trashed when I'm not around please.. And if you use any drug that isn't legal, buh bye. I'm not going to jail because of you. Not these days

13. For my last one, I will say what I hate most out of anything. visible HICKEYS. If we aren't dating, don't claim me. lol

Yay. I'm done. That's all I could think of at the moment. I shouldn't even be online, but I am. Shame on me. So tata for now.

So I really don't like the new xanga. I rarely ever get on here and when i do, i get all confused as to where to click, so i can put a new entry. Jeez. Why must everyone make everything so damn complicated?

Away from thaaaat.......

I just had a very unhappy woman at the age of 42 cry in front of me and tell me that she didn't want me to end up like her.  She got verbally abused.  She used to party and drink and do a bunch of bad things. She hardly makes anything at her current job. She can't afford to live anymore.  Blah blah blah.

And you know what I got out of her little spout? I got "I'M A DIFFERENT PERSON. I WON'T GO THE EXACT SAME PATH AS YOU. I HAVE MY OWN JOURNEY THAT I WILL HAVE TO FIND. YOU CAN'T BE MY SAVIOR. I WILL DO WHAT I WANT TO DO WHEN I WANT TO DO IT NO MATTER WHAT YOU PREACH TO ME.  I AM A GOOD PERSON. I DON'T DESERVE TO BE TALKED DOWN UPON."

And I am not getting my eyebrows waxed ever again. I will from now on pluck them bitches!